Is Theo Von the male Sabrina Carpenter?
An Inquiry
We here at Very Distant Lands have a deep and abiding respect for an artistic trait one might call ‘committing to the bit.’ Not breaking. Going all in. Maintaining a Will Forte-like composure in the face of the Jimmy Fallons of the world. We appreciate this trait, even when—especially when?—it arises in artists whose work doesn’t exactly fall square within our purview.
It is for this reason that we start here with Sabrina Carpenter.
To lapse into the first person, let me say that Carpenter isn’t really my personal favorite of the current crop of pop girlies. That would be Chappell Roan, whose brand of Midwest-inflected earnestness rings true with my aging hipster dad heart.1 Plus, as evidenced by the way I cringed when typing ‘pop girlies’ just a moment ago, Carpenter presents a particular challenge, as far as subjects go, to a paragon of painfully heterosexual masculinity such as myself. Any attention I might send her way could come across as leering, which I wish to avoid. I am a gentleman, after all.
Indeed, among the aforementioned girlies (as Britney said, oops I did it again), Carpenter is arguably the least interested in appealing to listeners of my demographic. Chappell appeals to the hirsute among us; Charli XCX appeals to pedantic Pitchfork readers; yet Carpenter appeals, seemingly exclusively, to the girls and the gays. And good for them! Couldn’t be happier.
This did mean, however, that when Carpenter’s latest music dropped, I made a point to avert my eyes, lest they sproing out of my head Looney Tunes wolf-style. One comment did pique my interest, though. Friend of the stack BDM made the following point on a samizdat intelligence network I belong to, maintained by carrier pigeon and Tesla coil.
Turning oneself into the joke: this is a core practice of committing to the bit! I was intrigued. I jaunted over to YouTube to watch the music video in question, titled “Manchild.” And like, I get it! I see what’s she going for here. The cartoon sensibility, the visual humor that recalls Buster Keaton, the wink so slow that one might think she’s narcoleptic—I see the vision.
She is making herself into a joke as as means of pre-empting others from doing the same. Kesha pulled a similar move early in her career, though she got less credit for it. Making oneself into a Saturday Night Live parody so that Saturday Night Live, rather than roast her in some 11:55 sketch, has no choice but to invite her on the show.
But do you know who I was truly reminded of, more than anyone? Who, seemingly, has nothing in common with Carpenter?
I was reminded of Theo Von.
Theo Von is a podcaster slash comedian, though at this point, one could forego the slash and simply call him a podcaster. If you’ve only heard the name without knowing anything else about him, you may assume that he is basically the same as every other comedian with a podcast. And yes, he does check some Joe Rogan-esque boxes. Vaguely right-wing, though in a cultural sense more than a political one.
What all of that misses, though, is what makes Von unique. And what makes him unique is that he is the strangest, most bizarre figure in the media landscape right now.
It is admittedly difficult to convey what makes Von so strange. He has the appearance and affect of a character on The Righteous Gemstones, with the brash haircut and Louisiana accent. That belies the truth, though, which is this:
Theo Von is an errant knight on a quest for wisdom.
He traverses the blighted landscape of the modern world in search of noble truths that will grant him access to the beating heart of the universe.
Von possesses a truly remarkable set of traits. He is wounded as a result of an impoverished childhood and struggles with addiction; he is uninformed about seemingly everything; and yet, he possesses an innate sense of curiosity that is all but absent in adult males of his age. I have never seen anyone so interested in the world, and the people who live in it, while yet appearing to know so little about it.
Let me give an example. This is an excerpt from John Mulaney’s appearacence on This Past Weekend, Von’s podcast. Mulaney and Von discuss their shared experiences with drug addiction, which were harrowing. Then, at 8:30 in the video, Von asks Mulaney a question that renders him speechless.
“Did you ever end up in a really cool place doing drugs?”
Watch the video. You can see Mulaney struggle to process the question, even to understand what Von is asking. This is hard to do! Mulaney is a consummate professional when it comes to appearing as a guest on podcasts and talk shows. He can keep the conversation flowing with nary a dip nor lull effortlessly, like some cigarette-smoking public intellectual on The Dick Cavett Show. Yet Von brings him up short without even trying.
Von does this constantly. He is forever dropping bizarre bon mots that make guests, and viewers, ask essentially the same question Sabrina Carpenter raises: Are they joking? Are they for real? Is this an act?
It is fairly clear, in Carpenter’s case, that it’s an act. She is a trained, seasoned performer. Not for nothing did she act on Disney Channel shows from a young age, alongside Jenna Ortega. But Von? I am honestly not sure if his Don Quixote of the Bayou routine is an act, in the same sense that Carpenter’s Bugs-Bunny-dressed-as-a-dame-to-fool-Elmer-Fudd routine is an act. I don’t think it is, honestly. Maintaining that so consistently, across so many platforms, would require a kind of will not even Nathan Fielder possesses.
I do think Von’s personality has been cultivated, though, over a course of many years. In his early days as a standup comedian in the early 2000s, he makes one think of Dane Cook doing an impression of Sugar Ray’s Mark McGrath on a sketch for Mad TV. Which is to say, he sounded like a million other mediocre comedians of the era. Yet once he started appearing on podcasts, and eventually hosting one of his own, he discovered that he has an innate gift for asking questions that others don’t, for fear that they might look foolish.
Von utterly lacks that fear, as far as I can tell. And it is riveting to watch. If nothing else, to ponder the eternal question: Is this guy for real?
Which aging indie rocker should Chappell collab with? My vote would be Craig Finn of The Hold Steady. They share an affinity for comic wordplay that yet reveals a sincerely beating heart, as well as a fondness for the bombast of early Springsteen. Open a Pink Pony Club in Ybor City.
I found myself fascinated reading about people I have never heard of.
so much of this whole ecosystem is driven by a dumb person's idea of a smart person. these people read Jordan Peterson and think "oh my god, he's brilliant" because occasionally, he's good at distilling truths gleaned from elsewhere.